I am not Suffering, I am Happiness

Jan 8, 2005, 12.00am IST
Vinay Kamat.

They call me Suffering. I know everyone. But they don't know me enough. I feel it's time to tell my story. Don't worry, it's not an autobiography. It's a desire to express myself, truly and entirely. Before I do that, I must say that I have been impressed by Turkish writer Orhan Pamuk's style of making emotion speak for itself.

So, I would like to reveal myself by engaging You deeply. Let me begin with my birth. I was born as Happiness. I was renamed Suffering by a world that could not see beyond Existence — its immediate concerns. I bear no grudges. After all, philosophers have sensed my duality, recognising Happiness as my other manifestation. Others have tried to deconstruct duality to understand me better, and failed. How can you simplify duality? How can I exist as Good and


Bad at the same time? How can I even be Positive or Negative? Call me what you want. I have no opposites. I have no similarities. I have no likes. I have no dislikes.

A poet has said Suffering is the only genuine feeling. Anything that is genuine and pure is unattached, unengaged, free, blithe. Then, why do I suffer the misinterpretation of my identity? I am neither Happiness nor Suffering. I am life's sustenance, its continuity. I am not a whim, a mood, or a tsunami. It's only human to see me as such. Sometimes it's refreshing to pick up a slice of conversation that tells you more about yourself. I was the subject of a recent discussion at a New Year get-together.
It was quite a revelation to listen to a couple talk about me.The girl said: "Suffering is not plight. It's an evolution that strengthens resolve. It's not just enlightenment. It's purification of emotion. Christ ennobled us when he said: 'Father forgive them, for they know not what they do'. Arthur Ashe forgot he had AIDS when he remembered the good things that he had had as the world's top tennis player. He saw no reason to blame God. Malaysian political leader Anwar Ibrahim transcended suffering by refusing to be angry about it. Even in his agony, he believed in trust."

I was beginning to enjoy the conversation. Her partner responded: "Suffering is an awakening. The 'I' (the individual) suffers because it refuses to reconcile itself with the cosmic 'All' (the larger good). Indeed, the 'I' must not reconcile; it must become one with the all-embracing 'All'. In so doing, it liberates itself from Suffering; its isolation ceases. In the vastness of its being and the nothingness of its purpose, the 'All' senses no emotion." I was about to interrupt when the girl spoke: "Continuity has no consequence. Where there's no consequence, how can there be Suffering? Suffering is a continuum, like Life. It's a stream where Happiness, Sorrow, Guilt, Compassion and Empathy are the reflexes of the swimmer (the individual)."

It was a profound conversation. But I have yet to make my point. I have tried to fathom my duality; I have questioned people who still call me Suffering; I have suffered in silence. I have wondered whether Karna was cruel, compassionate, or carefree. I have read The Da Vinci Code and wondered why it had no grim or happy ending. As I looked around for answers, I found some in myself. To say that Suffering is an inexplicable, multi-faceted, never-ending, story is to be simplistic. I am much more than that. I make people happy despite me. I break their bonds with the 'I'. I am Happiness.