Better search for answers within

Jan 24, 2010, 12.00am IST
CONRAD A SALDANHA.

Years ago, as mediator in a conflict between two individuals, i found that the more there was request for rapproachement, the situation was only getting out of hand.


Negotiation didn't seem to work. My intervention didn't work, either. Finally, i requested them to spend some time in silence and reflect on just one question: 'How have i caused this situation to arise?' This did not give any room for blaming the other. The answer had to come from within. In just 15 minutes, the two opponents apologised to each other.


Deep down, every one of us knows why and how conflicts arise, through omission or commission. The problem is, no one wants to admit to the truth; it seems easier to simply pit ourselves against others: Us versus Them. It's a world of our own creation where we don't take responsibility for causing unpleasant situations. The media is full of such news reportage.
Terrorists are blamed for instilling fear and causing violence. They are labelled as the evil ones. But is it possible to mitigate terrorism by waging war on its perpetrators? Shouldn't we, instead, try to understand the pain and hurt that the terrorist has undergone, which has turned him into what he is now? Any one who inflicts pain and terror on others has probably experienced similar suffering himself.


Priyanka Gandhi was asked by a reporter recently to share her experience of her encounter with Nalini, the woman involved in the conspiracy to assassinate her father, Rajiv Gandhi. Priyanka said that she came to realise that Nalini, too, was a victim of her own suffering. It is only when one tries to understand this, one can experience freedom and peace.


Jesus Christ said: 'Love your enemies'. Peace can come about only if one truly understands, through deep listening, the pain and hurt of the enemy. It is love and forgiveness that bring about understanding and peace. Violence begets more violence.


Often our pride and ego come in the way of our asking for forgiveness, despite knowing that we are in the wrong. We hold onto our perceptions and seek more and more justifications to buttress our stand. We fear that we would no longer command respect and dignity if we admit to our mistakes. The truth is that people respect those who have the humility to acknowledge the fact that they are in the wrong.


If we are willing to peel away our perceptions we realise that at the core we are all interconnected and interdependent. The illusion is that there is an 'Us versus Them'. The reality is that we are a unified whole.
To create peace, we need to first create a climate of peace in the world and for this, we need to start with ourselves, our families, workplace, neighbours and friends, and the environment.
How ironical it is to find an anti-war march by activists ending up in violence! That is why Mother Teresa, when asked why she did not participate in 'anti-war' marches, said she needs to first see a 'pro-peace' march. How can one who is polluted from within bring about an end to pollution in the atmosphere! The way to peace begins by looking within oneself and one's family and ensuring that there is peace in oneself and one's family.
Thich Nhat Hahn says: "...If you do not know how to handle the anger and violence in yourself, it is impossible to help someone else, even your own child. Non-violent action can be born only from non-violent living."